Saturday, June 30, 2007

It's become a habit, something that I didn't notice had started until I consciously find myself doing so; each time I see a newspaper article on the Iraq war, or American troops in Iraq, or more specifically Fallujah, I always tend to search the faces in the picture for Lenny.

Some sort of evidence that can keep the glimmer of hope from fading, somewhat.

It's a 50/50 chance, two sides of a coin; life & death. Uncertain, unpredictable; death is that something you never know you might face when you wake up one day.

And well, if you're in a place where everyone's killing one another.. sometimes I hate thinking about it. I loathe thinking what he's becoming. What the war has made him. What the war is doing to most of the soldiers who are out there, fighting for their country because they are loyal. And loyal to whom? A man who thinks he is God, and is power-hungry, sacrificing his own men for his lame excuses of a President.

This being an old picture scares me somewhat, that he isn't posting new pictures or has stopped going online for quite some time.

I sent Pam a message for news of her brother; I'm half-hoping yet half-dreading for the reply.


I still pray for him. alot.
please keep him safe.

<3.

It's a tad mellow; doesn't measure up to the standards of "Antichrist Superstar" or "Mobscene" - but it's still good nonetheless. Brian Hugh Warner is a fucking genius.

Plus for just $10.95, I got this;


I'm waiting to find the right biography of James Dean, and my obsession will be about done.


So I overslept all the way till 11.15 when school actually started at 8am, & I had to cab again to school for the 12pm Econs tutorial, plus I got chosen for some debate for next Wednesday's class, something that I had no say in cos I wasn't present.

Today was exceptionally fat & ugly too.

Jebus.


OH WELL, I GOT MANSON'S ALBUM - HAH! - & when Paramore's "RIOT!" hit stores I'd be so much happier I wouldn't care if I became a pariah because I was fat & everyone stopped liking me because I'd turned into a chunky monkey or something or the sort.

I had to be honest about it, though my outright honesty shocked even me somewhat, that my mind made itself up that quick; a point-blank "No."

Maybe its a blame on my part, my inability; how I clearly cannot hold my grasp onto them for long. How in the end, those two hours turn to one, and that one hour turn to minutes, slowly dissolving into seconds in which we squeeze obligations/courtesies into. How the deep-rooted fear has grown into something somewhat bigger, consuming all trust & confidence I've painstakingly rekindled. How trust.. when given too much, when the guards come down, when figuratively being able to dance nude around them in your own true skin; gradually deliqueces.

One hand is all I need, to count the number of those whom I've trusted so much as to actually show my weaknesses to. Weaknesses which burden, which taught me a cold hard lesson about trust, and giving less of it.

Give, take.. give.

But hey who knows, this time they could all turn out to be something different. :)

<3.

Okay, so I've roughly calculated the damage that's gonna set me back financially for awhile, comes around to about $600 (listing of wanted items shall not be displayed for fear of vehement objections regarding my compulsive behaviour).

Before you accuse me of being insane, a huge part of the $600 is going to the airfare/expenses of my planned Kuching trip; I guess the weekend after Rainfest'd be a good idea what with no lecture on that Friday, better late than never to see loved ones right?

But $600.. Shit, that's like my full pay, and then some more. Maybe it's predestined; some sick twisted prophecy that curses me to be spendthrift, & end up poor. I guess the good part of it would be having more time to study, catch up with assignments/tutorial/projects; it's neverending, I'm shooting the people who told me that Poly is fun & play & all you do is bunk lessons.


In other wordly larger-than-life news, RIP Chris Benoit.
Though I hardly doubt "resting in peace" in purgatory would be hardly possible, after killing his wife & 7 year old kid before he hung himself.
I'm thinking he didn't want to die being known as just a Pro wrestler; he wanted to leave with a huge colossal BANG, so I guess murder & suicide does the trick.

Speaking of interesting people,


Call me mentally disturbed/whatever, but I'm still pro-Paris. Getting landed in the slammer is just bad karma, happens to even the best of everyone. Check out what she did for a TMZ reporter; I think even people who hate her are just gonna start smiling at how sincere this is:



Oh & something funny (okay it's not so funny when it happens to you, makes you feel like the biggest dork on earth) happened today, I wore my top inside out, the whole way from home to school, till about 45 minutes into the first class.

What a motherfucker.

Go ahead, laugh cruelly at my expense & misery.

It was a rather long day, rather dreary at that too, I've decided to sacrifice my trip to Kuching for Rainfest on the coming 12th-15th; there're two bloody aggravating frustrating fucking ICAs the following Monday & Tues - Accounting & Stats to be exact.

(insert violent & emotionally charged swearing.)

Hey You up there, I'm not sure why You keep rolling things my way at this time of the year three times in a row, but I guess there's a good reason to why You're doing this so I shall not complain.
Maybe just subtly; stomp my feet around abit & not talk for days. & pierce my tongue while I'm at it.

well, at least I'm $400 richer, I feel like sucha rich bitch. My piggy bank's gaining weight.





x.

Name any two contigency factors that must be considered when determining the span of control.

The ability of the subordinates; whether they are sufficiently equipped with the right skills, having capable subordinates widens the span of control.
The complexity of the tasks; the more complex the tasks are, the narrower the span of control, as a close control can be maintained if the task is very complex, so as to complete the given task more effectively/efficiently.


How easy the words can come now, may not be fully accurate but hey, at least I got the factors right.

But what did I write instead? The structure and the environment. smart Nrl, very smart.


oh & I think my lappie is dying too; how can you be so mean to me, I've treated you with proper care & concern, yet all you keep doing now is having "unknown problems" and shutting down abruptly for no reason at all.

check out the polka-dot bikinis, the James Dean lookalikes and the twists; OH THE TWISTS. How our folks 'got down & jiggy with it' back then, hey.

On the other hand, it's less than an hour to Monday, how I amuse myself by looking forward to school yet when the actual day comes a wave of nausea hits me the moment I wake up. Domesday I tell you, especially with the anal-charged POM test that's accounted for 15% I have tomorrow - guess what? I'm NOT done studying. Reverting back to my old days, when I was a sloth & not much more. I need motivation, & the $400 I'm getting sometime this week after working for 2-3 weekends is NOT it, though it does count for a part of my happiness this month.

Oh, I was followed to my lift by a Bangla that lives on the 4th floor just now; he kept calling out to me while I was walking infront of him, lucky my earphones were plugged in. He said that I "looked smart"; a compliment in his terms I guess (I was wearing flip flops), & when he got out, he turned back & bluntly went, "so, can I have your phone number?"

I just looked at him & told him simply, "No," just as the lift doors closed in his face. I should be more sympathetic, but I couldn't ask the doors for a better timing to shut.


Oh well, I'm looking forward to giving a million & one sincere hugs tomorrow.

<3.

There was actually a certain depth to the conversations, substantial words & thoughts inexplicably flowing through. sentences that didn't stem from just the surface, that were random, yet had a different light shone upon them. Something that I had to adjust to, take a step back into what was once familiarity.

There's Anne, with her 'wiser-than-thou' words that leave me inspired each time, nonetheless. She mentioned how others shouldn't define me, that I shouldn't change for the sake of others; she sees me being my own person & that I am Nurul,
{quote} the girl who doesn't wear studs but needs dangling/chunky earrings because it exudes your 'isms'.{/quote}

Then there is Sarah, her intellect & articulation of words flowing out of her like an age old fountain. I've always admired how gathered her thoughts were, how she was able to express herself in words when others struggle to. Words & art; her weapons in life, her determination to excel blows me away sometimes. Her mannerisms, her eccentricity, that sets her apart from the rest. & yes, ACJC has left a mark on her, the influx of bitching that I don't blame her solely for, haha.

Sharatul, the intricate character. I couldn't honestly answer if she had changed or not, when she asked me that. I guess it depends from who's perspective; we all tend to be chameleon at times, changing our skins & colors depending on the level of comfort zone we're in. I've missed her singing, how her voice can leave me awestruck sometimes. Her random thoughts that leave me thinking more than I should be. Her reassurances that I've missed, that I find I've been yearning for of recent. Yet when the awkard silences come, unwelcome, fitting themselves in certain moments, I can't help but wonder: what was lost?

I think we all take advantage of what we had, that we never really find the time & place to just stop; to look, feel & listen. It's only when what we had's left or gone, then only do we realise how much we crave for them; the comfort, the homeliness, the warmth, the solace. The sense of being whole, as a person. & if we never learnt to appreciate what was then, how are we to do the same for what is now?

I may not've been, or be, as close to them in comparison to past/present (give & take the circumstances); i've lost touch with a certain few people. but then again - what is close? sure, let's recount the frequent "i miss you's" & all that of the like; but such words prove meagre, & don't exactly define anything.
food for thought?

i deleted the last post; if i can't deal with it myself, i'd rather not let anyone triumph over my momentarily flawed state of mind.

i'm only human; that's my saving grace.


here's to a great friday ahead, or at least by the looks of it.
we should all give hugs today, whether they need it or not. it'd make both parties feel more whole; i think so anyway.

tgif, hey. :)

i have disappointed myself, in the sense that i no longer rise to the standards that either i, or others, have set out for myself to achieve. i feel as if i've lost all substantiality in both thoughts & doings, that i'm no longer able to express myself the way i will to, nor am i able to pull myself & my act together so i can be more whole, like i think i once was. the holidays were rather dreary & pointless aside from working for cash, but that's another story. i've lost my concentration to actually sit down & study, which isn't good; i think being in poly has changed my mindset somewhat. i no longer mug like how i used to, & even if i do get down to mugging, the outcome is nothing close to what i know i'm capable of doing, in comparison. maybe it's the difference in influence or pressure that's being put on me that i'm dealing with here, and i need to change that before i go crazy, to put it simply.
i finally get what Nissa was telling me the other day, i think it's how we've been 'trained', using that word loosely; & defined, as a student. that we were given such high expectations to make us feel like failures, only to bring out the best from us in the end. that we actually do reap what we sow, instead of letting others do the job for us.

hoho, maybe quiet days have been well spent after all. although having said that, i really miss my classmates & my lovely freshies, i've been feeling out of touch of recent & i need some humanly contact soon soon soon!
not exactly in the sense you might be thinking, btw.

"Your world is an ashtray, we burn & coil like cigarettes;
the more you cry, ashes turn to mud."

Ryan Phillipe is just so fucking pretty.
& I'M GETTING MY PAY THIS WEEKEND, FINALLY :D

x.

Just Like Heaven
wonderful movie, pulled my hair out & bawled my eyes dry over it.


Sin City
sexy & thrilling written all over it. i still love how the direction of the movie is totally different from any other, how it's portrayed & played & set; i still can't get over how brilliant & bold it is, to be unconventional.
though now, i got a bit.. discontented, with it.


Serendipity
the reason why my mind is so fucked up, thinking that fate & destiny is real, that somewhere out there there's a guy who's willing to stop his wedding & drag his friend across states, to come and see me, a girl who'd he randomly met somewhere. how i wish it so.
oh and also, the reason why i wanted to live in New York.


Georgia Rule
great great great movie, i want it to come here already!


Domino
i would say it was an excellent movie, if the video hadn't hung halfway through the movie & left me ravenous for what's to come. I WANT TO WATCH THE FULL THING. have you seen Keira Knightley's body in this? before she turned too skinny. duperly damn solid. like, holy shit.


The Good Son
disturbing, i have a feeling its loosely based on the book, 'I am King of the castle'. i found the plots to be extremely similar, but to actually watch a kid having twisted thoughts is just.. terrifying. Macaulay Culkin was the perfect choice, & Elijah Wood as a kid was a total bonus.


Me and You and Everyone We Know
found it under the 'foreign films' section, it's indie most probably & it's not foreign. very thought provoking, i quite liked it. somewhat relative to reality; acting on secret impulses, speaking your innermost thoughts, and finding redemption in simple, small moments.


Just Follow Law
typical Singaporean comedy, subtly exposing the 'isms' of Singaporeans, forever using Gurmit Singh & forever being directed by Jack Neo. same old, same old. though some parts really were funny, but the main reason for having watched it was because Shameen & I felt it was too early to sleep.

yeah okay, that was my week, plus work & studying & catching up with friends. & the likes.

i've been having alot of quiet days lately, i'm not sure if i like it, but it's quite different from what i'm used to. and when i say quiet, i mean me not talking. which is, rather phenomenal, some may admit.

imagine someone wanting to fuck you, like an animal. completely, your brains out. it's disturbing, but flattering nonetheless. to me, at least. & i still don't think Adam Levine's cover of this justifies Trent Reznor.


alright, i'm getting to Cruel Intentions now.

x.

p/s oh & hey, Nissa's back! <3 (with presents :D )

12:48 AM

5 | comments

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

georgia rule!

"i will find all your boyfriends, and fuck them stupid."

agh, fuck the fact that three parts of the movie was missing!! three whole frickin parts, so much happened, but i managed to link the pieces to make it fit so the movie was still understandable. Felicity Huffman's acting is superb, & i love love love Lindsay's voice. I CANNOT WAIT FOR HER NEXT MOVIE! 'I Know Who Killed Me' is just gonna be good, i can feel it in my veins.

today was abit productive, overslept a little bit so was a wee late to meet YX, Aishah & Puma for the irritable POM project. we accomplished our goal, though! :) now all i have to do is read ahead for Econs, revise Accounting & Stats, & STUDY FOR THE POM ICA. how am i supposed to do this by Saturday when i have a bad habit of staying up late to watch movies so i'd end up sleeping till noon the next day, i have no clue. but, i'm enjoying it as it is, :)

i'm missing alot of people! if you think that you're included then it's a high possibility that you are :) met Tyng for dinner though! she looked hot just now, i don't think having braces would do much difference? food for thought, for her. let's keep our fingers crossed for Wednesday/Thursday or, whenever aye. :)

i ate quite a bit today, and ended dinner late too - ugh - and to top it all off, Nuraini just HAD to surprise me with ice cream from the freezer just now. i'm gonna get fat before school reopens i tell you. but NEHHMIND, cos i'm still dead-set on making my escapade to Kuching for rainfest POSSIBLE :D

aight i'm gonna watch 'Domino' & 'Perfume: The Story Of A Murderer' now. which will last me till about.. 5am?

p/s SHAMEEN IF YOU READ THIS, watch out cos i might crash your house tomorrow! :D

xxx.

1:16 AM

0 | comments

Sunday, June 17, 2007

you make me feel, brand new.

like, how you made me smile even when i was thoroughly exhausted & my feet were about to cry, and you didn't even care that my hair was having a life of its own.

:)

6:39 PM

cri silencieux? maybe.

i dreamnt i was a prostitute the night before last, and the worst part was that my client, is a close family friend of my dad's. how... ironic.
and Louisa was the other callgirl, she laughed her head off when i told her i was still a virgin and that i was scared. i can still vividly picture her laughing, geez; do other people besides my dad think that i've slept around? because really, talk about a major dignity deflation here.

i think i can admit that how i'm immersing myself into all sorts of activities, is merely a diversion from actually sitting down & watching the world take its place. movies, both on & offline shopping, books, reruns of 'Sex & The City', working. i made perfect beers today too, how rad is that, i'm so proud of myself :) the right amount of beer with the perfect width of foam at the top. and i had waffles at Village (read: 'Vill-ahj-eyh') with Iskandar after work, it was lovely with little surprises that struck me till a long time after. all the while, seeing a certain face pop up here & there wherever i go, my imagination can be quite disconcerting (i still don't know, priya!).

i wish i could take care of people more & promise them that everything's fine & not just bullshit to make them feel better because i so desperately want them to; how much of hypocrites can we all be sometimes.

i've been trying to say some things, but i just can't find the perfect words;
it bothers me, somewhat. tugging at me, growing to be unbearable slowly.

hmm, maybe i'll go to the airport tomorrow morning? :)
x.

1:39 AM

2 | comments

Friday, June 15, 2007

animosity for what's become, now.

i'll see you in a few months or less, little sunshine of mine. kakak loves you very much, <3.

& the best yet worst part of it was, that despite the goodbyes being somewhat hurried & disturbed (why didn't it occur to me that she'd come see them off as well, geez?), Ruran slowly teared, that silent cry that showed she understood that we weren't leaving her this time, but she was leaving us.

i could've just crumbled, i wanted to freeze that moment & not let time run any further.

my idea of coming home is not of one to an empty household, with no one to greet you but darkness, and maybe the soft trickle of the tap that can never be turned off proper.


on a bright note though, i met up with five of my favourite girls today! Viv, Kerri, Rae, Nirosha & Zidd :) how lovely, except that for about half an hour we were seated infront of Mrs Chan, devouring her salad all by her lonely self; we could've asked her to join us but we were gossiping talking about other certain teachers/ex-teachers that she shouldn't know about, oh well.

i've missed them all a whole lot, and it struck me how we were all strangers in sec 3 (except for Nirosha & i) yet grew closer in our final year, thanks to the seating arrangement that bound us to being in a radius of 4 tables from each other.

not much has changed, Vivien will be leaving for Canberra again this Sunday, & go back to ogling at that hot guy on her campus she was raving about, hoho :) walked around Orchard with Nirosha & Rae after, joined by Denise, for abit. spilling stories & sharing thoughts/advice along the way, it was a well spent afternoon, can't wait for Cafe Del Mar next :)

the house is much too quiet now, i wish Nuraini would come home quicker.
sometimes i wish for a family, a real one. one that i can come home & tell stories of my day to, one that i can sit around a table for proper dinner with, share lengthy conversations with, instead of the awkward silences we're faced with now, the silence filled with the mutual understanding that we could not fill the blanks any longer, because that's what we've come to at this point - empty, unfilled blanks.

yes i am sad right now, and i wish i just knew how to actually talk about it to someone, maybe it'd do me some good this time.

this, just bluntly sucks.

8:02 PM

4 | comments

an attempt at nonchalance.

trouble sleeping leads to camwhoring, how i've changed over the months i think. or so what people have told me, that i'm not the same person they know, or knew. is that really true? have i changed in some significant way that its noticeable for you to point out? what is it? i look at myself both physically & mentally, i don't think i've changed one bit aside from extra mass. i'm still the one trying to string everyone together, trying to be the piece of the puzzle that will fit somewhere. or am i covering one eye by doing this, blinding myself from seeing only what i want to see and not what others do? or maybe you've changed. and you're only telling me that i have, to subtly cover your own insecurity & self aversion, your ignorance & unacceptance of what's become, of what you see when you wake up every morning.

bonne nuit & bon matin; mummy's leaving in less than 12,
i sense the fear coming on again.

12:42 AM

Thursday, June 14, 2007

"pintu syurga di tapak kaki ibumu."

or something like that, pardon my malay. i forgot the phrase but i've been told of it countless times - never to be rude to your mother, never talk back, always respect her.. because "heaven's doors are at your mother's feet."

last night, while catching up with a family friend and mummy dear over drinks at Carlton, i got news of an acquaintance that not only disturbed my thoughts for a long time after, but somewhat shifted the plates that we all stood on. how we all play our roles as the mother/father/daughter/son/sister/brother, etc, and what we perceive as right or wrong when playing them.

the last i met her was in '04. she'd told me she was of my age in confidence, minutes after her mom'd introduced her as the "eighteen year old daughter". i didn't understand why, until she got half-dragged from me, to a table of old & rich perverted men, none of which younger than 50 perhaps. she wasn't cantankerous; it seemed somewhat that she'd done this sort of conversations (if you can call it that, minus the immoral touching everywhere) before, & she wasn't a stranger to such behaviour.

i thought she was sweet, rather intellectual too, the way she could hold a conversation. beautiful she was, no doubt; i thought she resembled Annabelle Francis. but there she was, a fourteen year old, in a micro skirt & a tube top that could barely keep in everything.

yesterday i was told that she'd quit school previously to work as a hostess at a malay dangdut club, those sleazy ones that are too smoky to see anything that if you could see, you'd only be welcomed by old, white-haired men in silk shirts, with a girl young enough to be his granddaughter on his lap. all this she did, with the recommendations from her very own mother.
the last bit that i heard of her was that she'd fallen pregnant just last year, and cos she'd be too young to keep the baby, a Malay welfare organisation took it from her. & now she's under probation in something like a girls' home.

while her mother - the one who'd introduced her daughter to this side of the entertainment world, the one who had gotten her the job as a hostess, the one who had allowed her daughter's boyfriend to sleep with her daughter even when being only fourteen, the one who refused to take care of her newborn grandchild - is still singing her life away.

i just hope she's doing alright now, it's sad to see such a waste.

i don't know, maybe it's not entirely the mother's fault, given the circumstances. but to literally take advantage of your daughter's beauty and selling her that way.. i guess not all mothers will go to heaven after all.

4:25 PM

0 | comments

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

show me heaven.

i spent the morning watching dvds of Teletubbies with Ruran cos mummy was out, we had this mutual understanding after fifteen minutes of her blasting my ears with her crying & immensely high volume of shrieking, that i am all she's got for the next two hours, so if she doesn't cooperate i'm gonna leave her alone & jump out the window. we fell asleep sometime after, & i woke up to find her face inches from mine, and her finger on my nose SHE IS TRES ADORABLE, I LOVE HER :)

mummy came home with sandwiches, & i still stand by the fact that Tinky Winky is gay. or a trannie. must be the latter. how disturbing, for the kids.

je pense qu'il m'aime, n'est ce pas?
mais je ne sais pas, et combien.
scared? oh yes;
parce qu'il est trop parfait,
et je suis just, me.

i've been blogging too much, need to study, bye lovelies.
x.

2:31 PM

2 | comments

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

je voudrais à... j'aimerais à... OH, NOTHING.

FINALLY got to watch it; oh my fuck, how anal can cinemas here get! showing foreign films at incredibly neglected places such as Prince or Yangtze or wherever, thank GOD this was showing at Lido too cos it was under SHAW & all. or, whatever. tickets were almost all taken up though, got stuck at the 2nd row from the front next to this old husband of an aunty who kept inching away from me thanks to my sudden loud paroxysms of laughter & glee.

movie is really good, WHO SAYS HOLLYWOOD MAKES THE BEST MOVIES CAN STICK A SHOVEL UP THEIR ASS. Audrey Tatou is gorgeous though painfully thin, & Gad Elmaleh has the most intensed eyes ever, though somehow he went from average joe to being.. sexy. plot was clever, with the infusion of classy comedy that didn't turn out to be painful slapstick, cliched humour. & the romantic parts really captured the essence of romance & sweetness of it all; i didn't cry at this one though, which is a good thing as it sets it apart from other romantic comedies/dramas that have set me bawling.

ooh how lovely it was to sit through a french movie & set your ears to attention, trying to capture those familiar words/phrases that you've lost your grasp on. it was like going through listening comprehension again, with familiar words ringing up familiar memories.

okay so it doesn't look as tantalizing as it does in real life, but worth the $7.00 The Coffee Club charges its mudpie for, it is. it's about the same price as NYDC's yet its gargantuan next to NYDC's mudpie. but too chocolatey, i don't like.

so i had the Tiramisu a la cafe instead,

which was nice, but didn't even taste the Kahlua or anything, more of the cheese & cream. got abit sick halfway through though so i left it at that, i knew i should've gone to Spinelli's & satisfied myself with the apple crumble there. mind you, they bake real slices of apple inside, instead of the generic apple bits in a can stuff, for only $3.20.

yes i know i should stop craving, it's killing me. i hate how i can't stop thinking about what i'm consuming & yet doing very little about it or going about it with the wrong solutions; even i'm aware how unhealthy it is, i want that side of the brain to just switch off.

I WANT TO GO FOR THE FRENCH EXCHANGE PROGRAMME NEXT YEAR. six whole freakin months in the land of the Eiffel Tower, Musee De Louvre, croissants, designer boutiques & ooh-la-la hot romance with sexy french men, how tempting can a place get? then again, that's only Paris, i'd just spasm if they send us to the countryside or something. or hmm, that wouldn't be so bad either, a completely fresh breath of air from skyscrapers & concrete.

yes siree, i'll work hard & earn my spot in the list to go there. it'd be like The Real World: Paris; NYP style, only i wouldn't be having flings with my roommates, but rather the local men. hee.


p/s Tan Woan Tyng you gorgeous fuck, get your ass to Singapore like ASAP cos i miss you & the rest like there's no tomorrow. :(

<3.

11:30 PM

2 | comments

Monday, June 11, 2007

What if God was one of us?

suddenly got hit by the downloading bug & went on a downloading spree, with bits & traces of old songs playing in my head and me desperately trying to connect a string of words to make a proper sentence from the song & hopefully able to find it online for download.

i remember the song from Joan Osborne was from Now 8 i think, & it was during those years when CDs were a lux & casettes were all we had, and this particular tape was a favourite in daddy's car back then, played during almost all car rides. it was the second last song on side B, a song that daddy forbade us to play because it brought in the issues of God & questions of his existence that we yearn to ask but never dared to, it'd just be a rhetorical question with an expected answer.

how protected was i back then, how we're all born into this certain context of thinking & never meant to venture out of the boundaries, seeking answers to forbidden questions.

like that lady Joy i think, from Malaysia, who dared to publicly denounce her faith for Islam & step into Christianity, stirring up a wide & uproaring controversy/conflict between the conservative & the modern; between Islam & Christianity; between free thought & rules that've been set.

i think she should be given her way, isn't Islam about understanding? yes, advise her they must, try to lead her back into whichever path she was born into. but force is what they shouldn't, if she's not sincere in continuing her original faith, there'd be no point in it. it'd be a forced torture for her, per se, & that'd make no difference to her being a muslim or a christian because she's stuck between the two.

has someone ever asked you, "why are you in the religion that you're in now? is it because you were born into it, or you chose it? do you know WHY you're following it?"
i still haven't found the right answer to it, just yet.

What if God was one of us?
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make his way home
Just trying to make his way home
Like a holy Rolling Stone
Back up to Heaven all alone
Just trying to make his way home
Nobody callin' on the phone
'cept for the Pope maybe in Rome.

btw, whoever has Meatloaf's "I'd Lie For You (& That's The Truth)" from his '95 album Welcome To The Neighbourhood, please please please send it to me, i've been searching for this song for months. it was the last song on Now 8.

i'm thinking of renting movies & spend some alone time at a corner of starbucks with a hot latte or cappucinno, & watching them from morning till evening. but after i get all my tutorials/assignments/planning for projects/ICAs outta the way.

have a delish day ahead :)
xxx.

3:07 PM

7 | comments

Sunday, June 10, 2007

one of those melodramatic, fools.

yesterday night was pretty rad, the folks came down to Monkeys after i finished my shift & we all had a family dinner out after what seemed like the longest time, i think the last time was 6 months ago in December, during the Jakarta trip. best part was that we all had a roaring good time watching Kumar, i'd pointed out to Kumar that i'd be sitting at table 1 with my family & he made a point to highlight Ruran during the show, cos she's a baby, in an M18 show, cool eh. haha.

work was fucked hell though, got screwed over abit by Gwen cos the cash register machine just wouldn't work right & she blamed me & Ace, that indirect blaming she does that is actually direct but done subtly. we were also badly shorthanded around 6+ till the next shift, & so happened that Kumar swung by early so can you imagine Singapore's infamous drag queen serving you your dinner & drinks? though he panicked when it came to serving hotplates/fajitas, he's still fragile that way, haha.

Harold offered me a spot at Club 392 on Sundays, even when i shouldn't be there in the first place as the age limit's like 21 i think. but its $6.50 per hour which is still pretty low, but anything that's better than this pay & has better working hours still sounds good (8pm-3 or 4am i think) so should i, or non?

daddy left this morning/slightly after noon, you should've seen the ruckus Ruran made, crying & bashing about. it's as if she knew that she won't see her father for another week, & sad thing is, this character's not at its worst yet, wait till she turns 3 or 4 & she really knows whats going on.
i guess its sorta a good thing that she's the one crying, so i can concentrate on her & ignore the nagging knawing in my chest.

i think two of my friends just broke up, which is actually very heartbreaking because they were the sweetest couple ever & were very much in love the last time i met the two which was just a coupla' months ago. now that even they're dunzo, what hope's left for the rest of us now eh.

it was a beautiful day out, but i slept it away, damn the sleep deprived nights before this that finally took its toll on me today.

the house is quiet. too quiet. i'm waiting for Nuraini & mummy get home, and Viv to drop by because i miss her so much & she's popping by en route to John next door, :D

off to The Breakfast Club & Sex and The City now, depending which loads first.
cheerios lovelies, <3.

4:40 PM

2 | comments