Monday, April 30, 2007

stop this insecurity train,
i wanna get off & go home again.
i cant take the speed, its closing in;
won't someone stop this train?

happy 10th birthday to Iskandar's little brother; the big 1-0, eh.:D

'cos we've bled for each other, both inside & out.
don't you think she's gorgeous?:)

i think the cappucinno i had was happy juice in disguise.
i think i've gained calories over the weekend.

my day kinda sucked, but i hope yours went better.:D

xx

so you can just eat my heart out raw, & spit it back out for me to collect later

cos i can't help but giving in to others anyway.

met Marr as a bonus today :) haven't seen her in the longest time & i truly did miss her, even if she's still the same noisy person with the same kinda issues time & again. haha. i love you Maryam :)

p/s: oh, if you'd dropped by here yesterday & saw the whole login process requiring your Blogger login, it was only for yesterday due to some circumstances. so as of now, it's officially public once more, as long as the wrong people don't read it for the right reasons. :D



so yep, even when issues bite you in the ass & make you think twice while crying a whole shitload sometimes, you've always got beautiful people to make your life a gorgeous worthwhile.:)

x

omg my nose is running. AGAIN. i woke up an hour ago & had to snort in back all the... haha, never mind it's too visual. eww, gross. maybe i should really go to the doctor's & get my MC for last friday as well. HAHA. shit, if i don't attend 3 more classes of Oral Comm i'd be officially debarred from the exam.


Poly really isn't any less stressful than JC y'know. you have the extra problem of thinking what to wear the next day in school. & then you have to think about to wear for the whole WEEK. it really isn't as simple as slipping on some jeans & tshirt although i'd really love to do that. maybe i will, once i get cosied with the school. & no one gives a shit about how i look. haha.

& except maybe almost all JC people i know are too caught up in their PW shit. HAHA. then again, i've got all the ICAs coming up, especially that big fat one that's constantly floating around in my mind; the presentation for Oral Comm in two weeks, worth 50 marks. i don't even have a frickin' topic to talk about, & this is due in two weeks. i tried explaining to Miss Anne that my life has anything that's hardly been exciting for me to talk about, & then she said i could make anything up. how nice. my imagination really doesn't run that wild.


my self confidence is waning slowly but surely. yesterday i had to talk about myself - ONE MINUTE TO TALK ABOUT MYSELF, HOW EASY CAN THINGS GET? - & i the whole time i felt like i was gonna choke up & puke out the night before's dinner. & that was only infront of the class. & the whole thing was just damned off the top of my head, no script whatsoever.
& then the foreign bodies thing. i hate it that i'm so self conscious & give too much shit about what people think of me. like, i can literally hear the laughter bouncing off the walls in my head even if they're infront of me, clearly not laughing. i don't know. i need to settle certain issues 'else i'm gonna have a big problem with myself over the next few years.


okay i have to go shower. class starts at 2 but i'm having lunch with Nissa first! yay :D
& my nails aren't fire red-engine anymore cos i kept screwing that up.:(


let's hope tonight's gonna be filled with endless laughter, happy faces, genuine smiles & hold enough memories to fill ten years ahead:)

xx

& you're just like a slice of pizza dough, hiding beneath the thick sheets of insecurities you've built up to ironically hide behind, making yourself look all jazzed up, when in fact you're the same like the next person - protecting yourself from learning what it feels to be discovered.

painting my nails over & over again.
smoothly paint it layer by layer, fuck it up, & do it all over again.

i guess i lost my train of thought. i have so many things to say but i can't say what so maybe just i'm not content with myself right now, i wanna curl up &.
go figure. what comes next.

i want to learn the art of falling & not having someone break it.

cos i think forgetting is what we all need most. & you know that goddamned well too.




hey i think i like my nails.:)

life has recently fallen into a bittersweet routine that has hit me back the wrong way in so many different places so many different times, but i'm learning how to deal so i guess for the moment it's just best to keep swimming. something like bad karma, but i wish i knew what i did to trigger the boomerang activity.

but the people in my life are still making my world go round.:)




i'd forgotten to bring my cell to school today. yeah, i know, HOW COULD I. my one & only essential. both yesterday & today, i stepped out of the house thinking everything's going perfect & ladeeda, & then i realise i'd be missing some tres important stuff. not sure what's gotten into me but i hope it goes away soon cos its shooing my good morning moods away.

you can imagine how naked & restless & incredibly bored i felt during school today. five hours infront in the freezing computer lab, my fingers itching to play with something. it was nerve wrecking; i cabbed home & back just for my phone.


& yay muchos thanks to Wan for letting me hear the acoustic version of Misery Business!
loving it, loving Hayley's voice as always, loving the guitar, loving Paramore! :D
although i don't really like her new do right now. her previous dark red hair was gave her more character. this one just looks like the end result of a badly done DIY dye job.



okay so enjoy this while i go to sleep;
& i want Friday to come sooner.

xxx

ohmagawd. MISS LUI RETIRED FROM TKGS!! what the fuck?! i'm like, shocked. firstly, she's not that old. second, i didn't think she'd ever leave her post as the Math HOD in TK.
then again, she's like near damn rich enough to live her next ten years in Europe, probably so i guess her pension plus what she has now is enough to make her.. well, damn rich. & yet she still didn't give me ten bucks for my oranges!

(haha. i sound so incredibly greedy.)

but i'm being serious & sincere when i say that i miss her. with her gone, so is a huge chunk of my life in TKGS. sure, she may be a bitch thus causing her to be extremely loathed by some of her students, but i know she means well. even when her sarcasm strikes the target in your heart & makes you cry. even when she screams at you for not pasting in her notes proper or forgetting to bring your Amath notebook. even when she tears your paper right infront of you because you didn't follow her instructions. even when she deducts unreasonable marks off your tests because you didn't leave sufficient spaces in between questions. even when she's just being a downright, hard core bitch.

Miss Lui was THE teacher. sure, she made me hate her for some time. she made me feel like the puniest, dumbest Amath student she'd ever taught. she made my self esteem in my abilities in math drop down close to zero. but when you talk to her outside of class or school, she's just like any other normal human being. i learnt that she's been looking out for me. she encouraged me to go to her during breaks to ask for help (though i never did, WHO DARED TO?) she told me straight out that at that point of time, yes, "grades are important, but it isn't the end of the world when you fail. you just try & try again, & reach the top."

i dropped Amath, on her advice. she made me see the light, haha. but even after that, she always checked up on me & asked how i was doing in other classes, & when i improved from a ridiculous E8 for the Emath prelims to a B3 for the O's, she was just too proud beyond words that she kept smiling & told me that i'd done well. :)

no, i don't hate her now. i was looking forward to seeing her the next time i drop by, but guess not, hey. :(


okay so anyway. moving on from the sudden news.


i really thought today was gonna be fucked up. i left the house so caught up with remembering to bring Snam's shoes to pass to her in the evening, when i realised AT CITY HALL that i'd forgotten my Biz Stats textbook & my file which had my Econs lecture notes, Biz stats & Accounting Tutorial & my Internet Webbing notes i was supposed to study.

basically i'd come unprepared for the day. except that i had my Biz stats workbook & my Accounting tutorial/lecture notes so it wasn't so bad.

Iskandar told me to keep smiling throughout the day. Hafiz told me not to worry. Lebin said "uh-oh" cos he needed his Biz stats textbook for his lecture which was the same timeslot as mine. haha.

worse still, i got lost during Accounting tutorial today. & the calculating during Biz stats got me a little haywired too, but it's all about the formulas! so, memorising's needed. & loadsa practice. ugh, so Amath man.


& i'm a member of Student Union! & so are Tyng, Regan, Aloysius, Eugene & Joel Ho. HAH. gooood. getting Kessler & Lebin to join also, then we can rock SU together! hahahaha
but it's quite interesting. just that i don't wanna go for the camp. so as of now, i have a cousin's wedding in Brunei from 11-13 May. & i swear, i have something on the 12th but can't seem to remember WHAT.

then we bumped into Kessler! :) & we went to Grassroots for some overpriced food & one small scoop of icecream which cost $2.50 when i can get even more utility from a soft cone from Macs.


okay, i have to hurry to hit my Oral Comm notes cos I JUST REMEMBERED I HAVE A TUTORIAL TO DO when i came home, happily thinking i can go online & sleep right after.

but now i'm enjoying some much needed hard tummy-aching laughter courtesy of Zack Zailani & the freshies:)

xxx