i could be your tourniquet.
i have disappointed myself, in the sense that i no longer rise to the standards that either i, or others, have set out for myself to achieve. i feel as if i've lost all substantiality in both thoughts & doings, that i'm no longer able to express myself the way i will to, nor am i able to pull myself & my act together so i can be more whole, like i think i once was. the holidays were rather dreary & pointless aside from working for cash, but that's another story. i've lost my concentration to actually sit down & study, which isn't good; i think being in poly has changed my mindset somewhat. i no longer mug like how i used to, & even if i do get down to mugging, the outcome is nothing close to what i know i'm capable of doing, in comparison. maybe it's the difference in influence or pressure that's being put on me that i'm dealing with here, and i need to change that before i go crazy, to put it simply.
i finally get what
Nissa was telling me the other day, i think it's how we've been 'trained', using that word loosely; & defined, as a student. that we were given such high expectations to make us feel like failures, only to bring out the best from us in the end. that we actually
do reap what we sow, instead of letting others do the job for us.
hoho, maybe quiet days have been well spent after all. although having said that, i really miss
my classmates & my
lovely freshies, i've been feeling out of touch of recent & i need some humanly contact soon soon
soon!
not exactly in the sense you might be thinking, btw.
"Your world is an ashtray, we burn & coil like cigarettes;
the more you cry, ashes turn to mud."
Ryan Phillipe is just so fucking pretty.
& I'M GETTING MY PAY THIS WEEKEND, FINALLY :D
x.
