a little death, makes life more meaningful.
I never loved him deeply, it was more of an obligation. If you'd asked my why I loved him, the first reason would be because "he's my grandfather." Not that I hated loving him, or him alone for that matter, I just never found it in me to sincerely love him, or have as much love for him as I do for my grandmother.
No one forced this mentality into me though. Just that even at my raw years, I'd already grasped the fact that he'd made my grandmother suffer throughout his years of philandering, cheating her into signing a contract so he could marry another without her knowing, and ultimately leaving her, my mom and aunt as a family.
Despite that, I never hated Nek Su; I loved her and I still do up to this very second. I never saw her as the bitchy second wife; she always maintained friendly ties with Nyai & she's always been like a real grandmother to me.
He wasn't the perfect grandfather I always read about. No rocking chair, no war stories, no little furry pets that came from him. He was a chain smoker, and he was my primary reason why I'd never be a heavy smoker. But he wasn't a bad person. Maybe I never loved him alot, but I knew he loved me.
I didn't cry when everyone else did. People must've thought how cold I was, how ignorant. But I didn't care. I don't see the point in crying. I cried when I heard the news, and when it sunk in, but not infront of everyone. I numbed myself at that point because I felt it was too late. I'd always felt that death was like a gift somewhat; an end to suffering, and a return trip to where you truly belong, to Whom you belong to.
I only see him once a year. Or maybe I should use the past tense now? I'm not sure, it still seems weird. Shocking; how sudden things can take a sharp right angled turn, eh. You just never know when the rug is gonna be pulled right out from under your feet, and leave you paralysed, depending on how hard you fall.
The only thing I truly regret now was never saying sorry to him for everything wrong that I've said/done to him, whether intentional or not. Never telling him straight out that I loved him. How much of an impact he's made in my life, being my grandfather.
All I can think about now is how Nek Su's gonna cope with living alone. She seemed strong throughout the ceremony but it was probably the rush for time so the burial wouldn't be delayed; it was all a front, I knew she was just trying to be strong for the sake of everyone else.
But I hate, that whenever someone or something that I know of and/or cared about dies, a part of me dies along with them. I think it happens to me just as it does to the next person. Part & parcel of life eh. How.. vicious.
<3.
