Wednesday, July 4, 2007

"I'll sleep over it, & give you the answer by tomorrow. I have to think about this."
"Okay."
"But that doesn't necessarily mean that I'll say yes, okay?"
"..."
"And that whatever answer I give you, it must be abided by, to be fair."
"Just please remember that I really want this. So much, you have no idea."
"Yes, but whatever answer I give you, you must abide by it okay?"
"Then if you say no, you'll have to justify it as well, to be fair to me."
"I'll think about it tonight."

Sometimes I don't get just where you're coming from. Where this fear, this insecurity that you've embedded within you, stems from. What're you afraid of? That I'll run away from you? I've already thought about that, but it won't work both ways - it'll hurt me just as much as I hope it'll hurt you. I know you have serious trust issues, but that doesn't mean you have to bring people down with them, me & her included. Do you know how torn apart I feel when she turns to me when you kill her slowly with your words, your misjudgements, your insecurity? Weren't you the one who told me that I should keep in contact with my friends always? That's what I've been trying to do, yet you never let me. You brought us as a family into the marriage, & told us to accept one another as a family. Haven't I been doing just that? So then why are you preventing me, suspicious about my every form of communication with them? I've learnt to love & trust them almost as equally as my own flesh and blood. Why aren't you happy with that?

Excuses after excuses you've managed, all making me feel guilty & to be blamed in the end, worthless in your eyes. I'm sick of feeling that, now. I'm growing up, you have to see that. I have my own opinions and thoughts and I want my own freedom. I go out of my way not to break your trust, even though my friends may mock or jest at me. I try to shield you with endless defences when people stain your name with biased opinions. What they say may be true, but only we know the whole story & no one else. Yet in the end, I still walk away defeated from you, because you have power over me & I have endless respect for you, no matter how it's fading. I deliberately avoid long conversations with you because they'd just be done with a tinge of spuriousness, so neither of us would end up in rage or tears. I comply; I obey.

I know you're scared of letting us go; of letting me go out into the world. But I'm growing up, and I can't be as perfect as you've envisioned me to be. I still remember the painful conversation we had, that built a wall that's still standing today. But that doesn't mean I love you any less; I just hate myself more.

You're scared of losing me, but I'll always be your little girl.
I rarely keep promises, but this one I will. Always. <3.