almost.
Yesterday at work I cut my finger quite deep; blood kept soaking through the plasters even after a day, I kept dropping knives/forks/etc, I couldn't get the money float right even after counting three times, and I almost got hit by a pickup truck which I swear, came outta nowhere.
I met
Diy on the train en route to work, she looked burnt out. No more lively, dancing eyes. No more bright smile. No more energy. Aside from her eyes lighting up in surprise when she saw me, she was otherwise just
dead; the end result of the load from work & school. It terrified me for a bit, watching her slump out of the train at Somerset, on her way to work. Am I gonna turn out like her? What if I'm unable to cope, that exhaustion from studies & work will take a toll on me? What if I end up like Diy before the third year of Poly,
almost completely burnt out?My weekends are already used up working, so no studying then. And even though I bring books to study afterwards, I don't get much done because I'm just too worked out & I crave sleep. I haven't seen a day in which I can sleep in, because there're too many things that need to be done. And it seems like exhaustion's already creeping up on me; both physically & mentally.
The other day I was in the bus, tired out after work. The thought of quitting is tempting, but which one? Stupid question, I know. But no one has any idea how much working is important to me. How I feel responsible for everything I do, how I want to save up so I can pay for my own college. How financially insecure I can feel most of the time. But quitting school's not an option at all. And I need school, the education, to get where I want to be in about five years time.
These issues only fill a third of my daily thoughts. I've got other things to worry about, and worrying/stressing gives me incredibly erratic moods that I hereby apologise for, if they've affected you in any way. Sometimes I just don't feel like talking. Other times, I feel like laughing out loud because that's the only way I can try to feel light. And then there're times I just want to be a small girl, & cry.
I'm not sure how much longer I can last. Maybe I should quit work. Or just... I'm not really sure. But I need a break & I'm dying for the month vacay in September, yet I dread the thought of mugging for exams that are coming in a month. Haven't been having good nights either; half of them are spent staring at the ceiling and playing shadow games with the night light.
I need a hug, but I just can't admit it outright; that's just not me I guess.
I want to find myself again, somewhat.
But even that, I barely have the time for now.
