Saturday, May 19, 2007

please, don't read this if you're just gonna look at me in a different light, try to argue with my stand of point, because we all have moments like these so maybe i can have a little leeway for mine, just this once?

i'm not sure why i still get the twists & knots in my stomach when i see something that i want/want to be, but can't have/can't be. jealousy? envy? intimidation? i don't know. but it worries me, that i'm so affected by such a trivial matter cos i know that in the end, it controls me in more ways than just one.

i had my haircut today, & most people who know me would know how much my heart just breaks if i see an outcome that i have to get used to, that i don't think is all that, that i'm satisfied with only to a certain extent. because i feel it's is not me. it's like when you strip me down naked & all i've got left are my hands to cover up my modesty, myself. that i have nothing to hide beneath, to cover my flaws and fear of being ugly.

i'm not totally unhappy with my haircut, just needs some getting used to, is all. after which, i went with Nuraini to get her makeup at MAC.

nothing got better though, cos while Nuraini was browsing through the array of eyeshadows, i got distracted by two girls who were getting their makeup done professionally.
thing is, to me, they weren't just any other normal average girls you find on the street. they were catwalk material, what to me is perfection. tall, thin, with fine structured faces & flawless features that assured them of beauty with or without makeup.

i couldn't help but stare. & at the same time, want to be what/who they were.

i guess they were preparing for some show after this, because two more model material girls arrived, the epitome of what i call perfect runway model examples.
again, the structured faces. again, the body. again, the beauty.

i felt so small & so ugly at that point, & walking past a mirror just made it even worse. i saw how flawed i was, how imperfect, how i wasn't like them. and i was silently begging Nuraini to hurry the fuck up & get her stuff already, but she moved to the brushes section, which was even nearer to the models.

i was craving to run out, to the point of desperation. i needed to surround myself with the 'normal' category of people, perhaps a selfish need for security.

i'm sure you'd understand how one would feel in this situation, when you feel the pressure and the need to be what has come to be socially accepted, what you aren't and what you want/need to be. unless of course, you're perfectly fine with yourself, i salute you for being so indifferent.


it's ironic, what topic i'm researching for my speech, when put in this position. i'm supposed to be of recovering, & not finding excuses to be like them again. i thought that maybe by putting myself in an environment of a poly where i once thought people were accepted for who they were would help, alot. where you are accepted for who you are, and not for your physical form.

but i guess i attract people with the same mentality of me. people who are constantly talking about diets, scrutinising others as a form of self security, disatisfaction with themselves & such. which doesn't make it any easier for any one of us, because if you hadn't realised it yet, we're all slowly killing each other with our insecurities.

i still get recurring thoughts & temptations. and so far, i haven't succumbed to any of it, but at the rate my mind's fucking with itself, i wouldn't be surprised if it happens again soon.


people who don't know me that well won't really know what goes through my mind a million times a day up until now, i guess. and truthfully, i don't give a flying fuck if you don't like it. cos i don't like it either. so i guess to that extent, we're all on the same page.

i'm saying this from a different perspective now, but i guess it still means the same thing;
stay strong loves.
x.