dear Stranger,
i think it's a preferred term that i'm starting to use to associate you with. why? things have gotten strange of late. we're not talking, we're lightyears away from each others lives & i barely know what's going on with you these days. it's not like i didn't see this coming, i did. but to say this to you would be revealing another part of me which i don't unmask for most people to gape & rip apart. me saying this to you would be the same as admitting defeat, that i'm done with struggling to keep this friendship alive & going.
melodramatic. maybe that's what i'm heading towards, about this. but if you only knew that i still remember when you first said hello to me on myspace, & we clicked almost immediately. i'd found a new friend, i was sure of that. i'd always wanted someone to take me away from the circle i was trapped in, so that my life wouldn't revolve around them. & u did. Starbucks seemed to be our mutual interest, & strangely but nicely, things just started being put in place from there. i thought that being around you, i can finally stop trying to be the person i was striving to become, & instead just come out in my own flesh, peeling away the layers of superficiality. i could ask you outright if i looked fat on those "i-feel-fat" days & you'd give me responses that made myself feel no less than perfect. you told me your past, i told you mine. & it didn't feel as if i was being judged or anything, & i was more than happy that i was someone's confidante.
i noticed along the way, things started to change. remember the first time i noticed the UFO building cos you pointed it out? you asked me something, & i replied with a "no." i'm not sure if you were offended, but i didn't mean anything against you. i tried to pretend that nothing was happening, that i didn't realise what you felt, but it was abit too impossible. & that point, i was unsure if you could still be someone i'd regard "one of my closest friends" because things wouldn't work out that way if something else had happened.
you didn't approve of what i gave out, & what i got into. you didn't have to tell me, i knew. but i was leading my own life too. i have to admit, your level of self-esteem was a bit lower than most of the people i had come across with. i told myself that this was just a phase. i know you'd get over it & realise that you're as appreciated the next person, & that life isn't as bleak as you sometimes imagine it to be.
i thought the matching sweaters were a cool thing. thing is, we never got to wear it out on the same time, side by side & it still hasn't happened. looking at how things are now, i can't quite say if it will. it may sound stupid, but it'd be the perfect outfit for walking down from city hall to the river - nothing else but just our chatter of everything, on a cool night out.
i'm sorry i never got to watch you play. i always wanted to. just so you know, i told people about how my friend has this amazing talent with the guitar, they can hold witness to that. i was proud to have known you, not because of only this, but because i know you'd be one of the very few persons whom i'd still be in contact with ten years down the road, laughing mindlessly over your ice mocha & my cappucino.
we drifted apart, & my subconscious kept hoarding me about it. the thing about it is, that i never made much effort about it. i guess i took things for granted & assumed that we'd go back to normal after this busy phase in our lives, with school & work & such. right? but then it struck me that night at Burger King, that i could feel we couldn't even hold a proper long conversation, without me acting high & loud. or maybe you were just too tired, & so was i.
i was honestly shocked & abit annoyed that you didn't tell me. i thought i told you a whole big chunk of my life for you to masticate. & then i realised that of late, you haven't been doing the same. & when i read your text, i was honestly angry. not at you per se, but at how you were approaching the matter. at your attitude. i was really thinking, "what the fucking hell?" or maybe i was still sore from the fact that you didn't tell me about it. i mean, i told you when mine happened late last year. even though i know you hate it/him. but at least i told you. & kept you updated. & confided in you when things went upside down. & you were the one of the big reasons it ended, by the way. i don't like people unhappy about the decisions i make, so i try to turn them around.
you've gone the extra mile for me, i know that. following me aimlessly & listening to me complaining. but i knew that at the end of the day, i've always felt safe, because i knew i could rely on someone to take care of me & not be such a bitch to me when i do things wrongly.
so there, this was my confession. maybe you'll read this, maybe not. but whatever it is, i won't mention any of this straight to you because i'm not very good at handling such matters face to face. so when you see me on friday night, i hope at least we'll have some mutual understanding about this. i'm approaching this as rationally as i can be, & maybe you won't frustrate over me when you read this.
& let's call it ego, but i know you have one too; i'm not taking the sole blame for this outcome.
& thanks for the calculator. i'll return it asap, when i get another one.
x
