Wednesday, February 7, 2007

i dont know how people are able to express themselves in words without ending off with a nervous breakdown. how can they find the right words to get their emotions down pat is amazing. right now i just wanna go dsnfidjasfdnsaucnfhwerhhfhwfhfuckyou, & that doesnt even make sense so i can't possible see people nodding their heads understandingly. & all i wanna do next is shake their heads up, down, left & right so their brains would register what i'm trying to get through. i'm sixteen, but i wanna go back to the days when daddy would say "buck up soldier, that's my girl." cos right now im not bucking up, i'm just slumping down further silently. is there such a thing to be arrested for being unhappy? i wish there was, so that i can be stuck in a six-by-four feet box with other people who are miserable then i can finally see the sunshine somewhere.

i'm only sixteen & i'm already thinking too much. i wanna spend instead of splurge, without thinking of the extra financial burden i'd be contributing. i wanna drink all night so everything will be mcflurry, without thinking of how hungover i'd be the next day or if i'd wound up in someone else's room. i wanna eat as much as i want to, without thinking of the excessive weight gain. i wanna sleep all day, without thinking of the pounds i'm not shedding off. i wanna kiss the boy that makes me blush, without thinking if he'd liked me back & then regretting what i've done after. i wanna smoke as many fags as i wish, without thinking if i'd wind up dead the next morning with failed lungs. i wanna talk the way i want, without thinking of what others may say or think of me. i wanna hide in a tree house, without thinking whether it even exists. i wanna dress the way i feel, without thinking if i look good & changing outfits three times. i wanna talk about the O's, without thinking about FRIDAY. i wanna talk with someone all night long about everything from both ends of the spectrum, without thinking if i'd feel weird in their presence the next day. i wanna run away, without thinking if people would get worried where i am or if daddy'll find out. i wanna tell people what i have to tell, without thinking if they'd find me weird or absurd. i wanna smile for anyone who'd wanna see, without thinking if i look ugly or fake & if i should smile another way.

i'm only sixteen goddammit, give me my life back.

hjabdabfadgfadbfaydgfadfbafFUCK. there, eat my heart out.